It has already been 18 weeks right now and I can’t be more than grateful to be in this lovely journey. But one day somehow, I’d wish you would understand the real journey behind this pregnancy. Mummy will always be here to support you in whatever life decision you make, but I don’t want, and I never want you to experience the same pain I’m going through now.
Mummy is sorry.
I can’t afford to buy for you things you wish you could have. I don’t have the means and capacity to buy for you new things that every kid ever wants. Through this journey, I walked pass shops and stare at things I wish I could buy. I wish it was easy enough for me to fork out money to buy that comfortable maternity pants. It took me 2 pay checks for me to consider buying one, and that even a second hand one I was so lucky to get it at a steal. It took me 3 months to consider buying maternity under-wears and a whole lot of courage to purchase a decent pregnancy pillow. I stare at the compression socks I wish I could have to calm my tired legs. Everyday I browse through the net for things to buy to ease my pain and sooth my comfort. I looked at every brand of diapers and counted the quantity and try to calculate my savings to make sure that I never have to struggle buying a quality one for you. I sign up for every single freebies that was available on the net, webinars to redeem free pregnancy goodies, and research a whole lot of quality yet affordable items that I want to have so that you would grow up in a comfortable environment. I seize every single opportunity for great deals and sales to maximise my spendings. I watched videos for essentials that you might ever need, but also thinking that I could never have that, it burns me. I look at the baby cribs, strollers, changing table, amenities, all through Carousell because I cannot afford to buy new, first hand items for you. Milk, bottles, storage bags, clothes, toys, there is so many things I have to get but it is not something I can attained just like that, because I can’t afford to do so. I’m sorry if we have to go through life like this. But please believe me. We will be grateful for all the things that we have, and we will give back to those who have helped us. We will always be thankful and forgiving. I promise you, one day when things get better, I’ll make sure I’ll get you the toy you ever wished for, a better sleeping bed, a much more comfortable stroller.
Mummy is sorry again.
You would have to grow up under the impression of a young mother with no experience, means or capability. I tried to fix things. But I can’t fix or force your father to fix us. You’ll grow up learning about a happy family but you will never have that because I am just one person. There are so many things you will hate me for when you grow up learning about all the mistakes I’ve done, all the hurt I’ve given to your father, but I hope you know that I have tried my best to keep us together. So long we are in this together, I will continue to pray that things will ease for us. We will go out and have lovely walks while we enjoy the fresh air as we brisk through places that recalled memories I once had with your father. I will tell you amazing stories and fluttering moments he once gave me and I’d make sure you never miss any of it. We will be thankful for everything, just remember that. We will never hate him, afterall I know, he cares for you. Thats all that matter. If you can’t run to me for any problems, promise me you’ll seek help from him first. If you have things you want to hide from me, promise me you’ll tell him first. If you want to run away from me, if you are sick of me nagging and scolding you, you promise me you run to him first. You will never grow up alone. You have both of us. Even if I can no longer mend things with your father, I hope you know that I love him so much as much as I love you. I hope you know you can trust him even though he is not with us like you wish to. I am sorry for not being able to do anything. But if one day life starts to change, Mummy hope we’ll be a happy family, just like how I’ve ever wish.
We’re almost there my baby. Once you come out, you will experience all of this. All that I’ve said. Undeniably, it is true. It is what it is. But as we recall the days as years goes by, I hope you will remember this journey. Life is never easy. It comes with alot of struggle. Even if we lack support from people we ever wish they could give us the support, we have each other. So lets be thankful for that.
But as for now, let’s be strong. Until the very end.
Recalling the Days 