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In an attempt to live past the day, of course I failed yet again trying to not think about all the little things subconsciously. If I had a dollar to collect all the attempt I tried to forget everything, I would probably not be struggling financially right now. But standing through my motto of leaving it to Him and have some faith, I was able to still live as who I am today.

I probably screwed all the times I tried to put myself away from the negativity. Maybe I was able to sometime, some how, but half of the time I was just stoning on the idea that nothing will ever get better for me. I mean, will it ever? Gaining the strength to push forward is not within my ability. I failed and this attempt, will always be a let down.

As blunt as it sounds, maybe nobody gets the idea of an unsupportive environment and just having no one to be there for you, for whatever pain you’re going through. As painful as it can be, maybe people will generally feel empathetic for just a while before they probably would be better off living their day doing much more productive stuffs. No one has the fullest span, of attention, to give you all the words of encouragement. Neither the support to sooth all the pain you went through. No one probably could.

I could not reach out to anyone and it damn just sucks having people like you, degrading my efforts while you just be happy with the people I genuinely care about. I could be the only person you despise but I was the only one who never stopped believing that he has every reason to be happy. While you watch me carry his baby, you could be the only person who could just be by his side and his every reason to be happy instead. While I watch him from far with no other means of hope. You could give him everything and anything he ever wanted.

The ability to say no is never easy. And he knows how much I would give myself to him. How much I never backed down and how I will never stop giving up on him. He could come up with so many reasons just about me but he would only be the reason why I still carried on to keep this baby. He could shut me off just like that within his means and brush me out of his life but nevertheless, I still live with it.

I promise to stay and never let go. I promise to be here no matter what happens and I promise myself to never let anyone step on me. But I came to realise that he was the only one who gave me every reason to believe I can do it. No matter how pushy or effortless attempt to screw my life, he was the only person I wanted to confide with. No I won’t stop.

Regardless on the number of attempts, I just want you to know. I will never let go.

Its been so long since I ever type another entry. Too busy and caught up with things, and focusing on finding my self-worth. It is still hard because recollections just keep on passing by, and everywhere I go, is still so hard for me. Nothing really comes easy, and days just keep on passing by no matter what I try to do. I still have to be myself either ways.

Today is T-64 until this blessing come to life. Well technically it could be earlier but whatever it is, I am so excited for the arrival. It feels surreal that this is actually happening to me. And I have to be honest, I really am not ready for anything. And I can see myself struggling for the first few days but no matter what it is, I don’t want to let this be a let down for me. As hard as it could get, I want to give this blessing the best life I never got.

One day if you read this, I just want you to know that I miss you, and that I am trying my very best to make my life worth it. I didn’t want to live through the hardships, but for all those struggles I suffer is all going to be worth it. Thank you for existing in my life and I will forever be grateful. Anytime and anywhere, I will come running to you.

In hopes that you’ll read this, this one is for you

Today, I keep on telling myself that I have to be so much better than this. What more can I expect if nothing comes in our way? When I have much more important things to prioritise, why do I still bother to reach out to you? What is the point in confessing and telling you how much you meant to me when it will never ever change? Why am I just making things harder for myself? I keep on telling myself to let go and just lead on with life but why do I keep on coming back? Hope? What is hope?

Despite the numerous attempt to fix what is there thats broken. There is no hope. And apparently, you will never know the real cold truth behind every single thing that has happened between us. Maybe it might be easy for you to say, I can be the crazy one in the position. But maybe you don’t know the things I’ve been through to get where I am today. Maybe you’re just telling yourself that it will get by, and he’s the one for you. Maybe you can make the difference that I can’t give him. Maybe you could open up his heart and change him for the better. And maybe you’re the one for him.

Maybe you should know that after all this time it has always been him. I pray and pray constantly to get the guidance from Him but nothing gets him away from my mind. Maybe this is what I am supposed to do. Maybe I’m just left with nothing but just patience. We don’t know what is in store for us, maybe even all these ranting is pointless because maybe you think I got no power to do anything. I’m just childish, I’m just voicing things thats in my head. Maybe he really don’t want to be with me.

Now it has come to the point that all these maybe are just, maybe. And I do wish it changes for the better or for worst. If you ever read this and if you ever want to reach out to me, then MAYBE it will change.

I’m sorry if this is how I could let you know about my true feelings for him. It is for the better of our baby and if its what he wants, I have always given it up for him. The crutches he once hold for you, well he was like the pieces of bones that held up inside of me. He is always there when no one was and he will always be reminded to this baby that no matter what happens, if its not for myself, it is not for anyone else. I am doing this not because of him. But it was because of him I get to get going with this baby.

I am forced to accept the cold hard action I was proposed with just so that he could lead a normal life. While me and my baby can’t have that, I just hope you know that even 10 years down the road, I will be here waiting for him. It has come to a point that I became so fixated in fixing these between us but I know that there are better things I should look out for now. While I’m in pain bearing this baby, I hope you still know that the thought of him is the only reason why I’m stronger everyday.

And I hope you could protect him from all the pain I’ve given him all these while. All the happiness I couldn’t give him at all. He could be there for you, for all I care. But he was the only one who bother to look out for me when I’m out thinking about what to do in the future.

Now to you again, if you ever read this. Please reach out to me whenever you want. But I am not going to reach out to you to let go of my feelings for him. Because truly everything I do was because I love him. And if he’s the one, I hope it changes, my pain, my sufferings.

I am sorry. But I can’t stop loving the only person who ease my heart.

It sucks because I can only pretend that everything is going to be okay without you. And it has to, right? I cannot live off all on you and I cannot depend on you all the time. I miss you but theres nothing I can do. I watched and waited you from far. It hurts but I really don’t know what to do anymore. I have to stay behind and pretend its all okay but am I really okay?

If this ever get to you, I hope you know.

Maybe you know him much longer than me. Or just so much more than me. Maybe I can never experience the things you have experienced with him. Maybe the pain you got from the past makes you think who you are now is open enough to accept him for who he is. Maybe you know about my circumstances but you still choose to hang on. All these maybe’s. I don’t ever know.

But maybe you should know to.

Its all different when he’s with you and when he’s with me. I’m not the same like you. I don’t think like you. And anyone could ever be so lucky to have him, no doubt. Because why would I even stay despite all of these thats been going on? I don’t know, you think?

I am not saying this to let go. But because I love him, I have to give him the happiness he ever deserve. And if all I gave was just pain and emotional burden, I’m just going to stay away and watch him from far. I can’t be the one for him if he has someone like you whom he can count on. And like I’ve said, you would be so lucky to have someone like him.

The only thing between me and him is only this blessing. And I promise that I am not going to let anything bother this life. Because the last thing I want to give to this baby is the life I never got. Any parents would say that.

If this ever reaches you, I hope you know. That I never walked away. I stayed and I still had faith. I prayed to Him for guidance and I prayed for nothing else but his happiness. I still love him, now that with all my might. And never would I be able to let go of any of that.

I hope you know. That I will always be waiting.

Today I felt the immense pain ever. Maybe its what I deserve. When I don’t want to show my stress or vent my frustration to anyone, I clean. So that is what I did today. I clean and reorganise the store room for the..I really don’t know I can’t count. It was such a mess. I had to climb, bend countless of times, breathe through the dust and carry heavy boxes as I try to put things in place like a puzzle. I just don’t know, I am never satisfied with the fact that my family has this “hoarding” behaviour where they just keep everything and throw…literally nothing? I had to put things in the bin making sure it is not within their eyesight, but once they rummage through the bin, what an eyesore! Yes, my family.

So I clean because I’m stress. I don’t know what is the stressor, but I just had to clean when something is disturbing my mind. To find peace within myself and distracted from all the disturbance, I had to do something, so I clean. I even intend to do the same thing again to my room tomorrow. And then my sister will ask me again, “How many times are you going to clean the room that you have just clean, 2 days ago?”. What am I not even happy about. I don’t even know.

So after hours I sat down. My hips were breaking apart and I just want to burst into tears because of the physical pain I inflicted within myself. This is where usually they have someone coming in to soothe their back and gave them a massage. But I had no one. I had to stretch and push myself through the day pretending that..I am all okay. Hurdles after hurdles, with every pain, surely comes with ease, right?

As I pray for a miracle to happen in the coming days, I know the pain life has paint on me will never end. It will never end. But someday I hope I’ll recollect my faith and I hope you know, that I’m still, okay.

It has already been 18 weeks right now and I can’t be more than grateful to be in this lovely journey. But one day somehow, I’d wish you would understand the real journey behind this pregnancy. Mummy will always be here to support you in whatever life decision you make, but I don’t want, and I never want you to experience the same pain I’m going through now.

Mummy is sorry.

I can’t afford to buy for you things you wish you could have. I don’t have the means and capacity to buy for you new things that every kid ever wants. Through this journey, I walked pass shops and stare at things I wish I could buy. I wish it was easy enough for me to fork out money to buy that comfortable maternity pants. It took me 2 pay checks for me to consider buying one, and that even a second hand one I was so lucky to get it at a steal. It took me 3 months to consider buying maternity under-wears and a whole lot of courage to purchase a decent pregnancy pillow. I stare at the compression socks I wish I could have to calm my tired legs. Everyday I browse through the net for things to buy to ease my pain and sooth my comfort. I looked at every brand of diapers and counted the quantity and try to calculate my savings to make sure that I never have to struggle buying a quality one for you. I sign up for every single freebies that was available on the net, webinars to redeem free pregnancy goodies, and research a whole lot of quality yet affordable items that I want to have so that you would grow up in a comfortable environment. I seize every single opportunity for great deals and sales to maximise my spendings. I watched videos for essentials that you might ever need, but also thinking that I could never have that, it burns me. I look at the baby cribs, strollers, changing table, amenities, all through Carousell because I cannot afford to buy new, first hand items for you. Milk, bottles, storage bags, clothes, toys, there is so many things I have to get but it is not something I can attained just like that, because I can’t afford to do so. I’m sorry if we have to go through life like this. But please believe me. We will be grateful for all the things that we have, and we will give back to those who have helped us. We will always be thankful and forgiving. I promise you, one day when things get better, I’ll make sure I’ll get you the toy you ever wished for, a better sleeping bed, a much more comfortable stroller.

Mummy is sorry again.

You would have to grow up under the impression of a young mother with no experience, means or capability. I tried to fix things. But I can’t fix or force your father to fix us. You’ll grow up learning about a happy family but you will never have that because I am just one person. There are so many things you will hate me for when you grow up learning about all the mistakes I’ve done, all the hurt I’ve given to your father, but I hope you know that I have tried my best to keep us together. So long we are in this together, I will continue to pray that things will ease for us. We will go out and have lovely walks while we enjoy the fresh air as we brisk through places that recalled memories I once had with your father. I will tell you amazing stories and fluttering moments he once gave me and I’d make sure you never miss any of it. We will be thankful for everything, just remember that. We will never hate him, afterall I know, he cares for you. Thats all that matter. If you can’t run to me for any problems, promise me you’ll seek help from him first. If you have things you want to hide from me, promise me you’ll tell him first. If you want to run away from me, if you are sick of me nagging and scolding you, you promise me you run to him first. You will never grow up alone. You have both of us. Even if I can no longer mend things with your father, I hope you know that I love him so much as much as I love you. I hope you know you can trust him even though he is not with us like you wish to. I am sorry for not being able to do anything. But if one day life starts to change, Mummy hope we’ll be a happy family, just like how I’ve ever wish.

We’re almost there my baby. Once you come out, you will experience all of this. All that I’ve said. Undeniably, it is true. It is what it is. But as we recall the days as years goes by, I hope you will remember this journey. Life is never easy. It comes with alot of struggle. Even if we lack support from people we ever wish they could give us the support, we have each other. So lets be thankful for that.

But as for now, let’s be strong. Until the very end.

I just needed you to tell me that everything will be okay. Thats all I needed to hear.

I know all of this is never easy for me. For you or for us. I just needed to hear you.

But you kept on pushing me down and doubting me for every single thing that I do. I just hope you know.

That despite all of this. I still love you.

I wish I could believe in this. I wish you would at least have some hope for us. I doubt that. Hope never really exist. I keep on believing that it will someday, but I’m almost exhausted. I want to keep on trying, but I do fear, I don’t know what to do, I am really, exhausted. I have no means to hate you at all, and in that sense, I really wish you’d knew where I truly stand.

I miss you, and I always miss every single thing about you. So until now I keep on believing in this slight hope I have for us.

I am trying. Every single day. And I wish you would not struggle, you would hang on still because you know you can do everything in life. I believe you. I believe you can do it.

Until the next recollection.

Getting in touch with you was never easy. And it is almost like a battle to keep you noted of all the progress I’ve been trying to put myself into. My life so far indeed has been changing, and at this point, I am still clueless as to what I should start with. Today marks the day I should probably start to seek happiness for you. Greatly, it hurts, but I have tried all that I could to keep myself sane through this journey. It is painful for one to watch, but to you, I know I am someone you detested so much to the point where you probably wish I never really existed in your life. I cannot reiterate the facts that have happened today so I’m going to leave it on the pretense that it’s all just to make me inferior.

He said, “You have every reason to live, you have so much more things to achieve in life,” the day you called on me. And you reiterate it once more when I wanted to take my life away. No one has said that to me. From that very point I know, you’re someone I cannot afford to lose. Close to my dear heart, even if it means waiting for you to come back, even if it means risking my life, I would gladly come running back to you.

Now as we look back, let’s recall the days that are uncalled for. Today.