Pain

Today I felt the immense pain ever. Maybe its what I deserve. When I don’t want to show my stress or vent my frustration to anyone, I clean. So that is what I did today. I clean and reorganise the store room for the..I really don’t know I can’t count. It was such a mess. I had to climb, bend countless of times, breathe through the dust and carry heavy boxes as I try to put things in place like a puzzle. I just don’t know, I am never satisfied with the fact that my family has this “hoarding” behaviour where they just keep everything and throw…literally nothing? I had to put things in the bin making sure it is not within their eyesight, but once they rummage through the bin, what an eyesore! Yes, my family.

So I clean because I’m stress. I don’t know what is the stressor, but I just had to clean when something is disturbing my mind. To find peace within myself and distracted from all the disturbance, I had to do something, so I clean. I even intend to do the same thing again to my room tomorrow. And then my sister will ask me again, “How many times are you going to clean the room that you have just clean, 2 days ago?”. What am I not even happy about. I don’t even know.

So after hours I sat down. My hips were breaking apart and I just want to burst into tears because of the physical pain I inflicted within myself. This is where usually they have someone coming in to soothe their back and gave them a massage. But I had no one. I had to stretch and push myself through the day pretending that..I am all okay. Hurdles after hurdles, with every pain, surely comes with ease, right?

As I pray for a miracle to happen in the coming days, I know the pain life has paint on me will never end. It will never end. But someday I hope I’ll recollect my faith and I hope you know, that I’m still, okay.