I hope it changes

In hopes that you’ll read this, this one is for you

Today, I keep on telling myself that I have to be so much better than this. What more can I expect if nothing comes in our way? When I have much more important things to prioritise, why do I still bother to reach out to you? What is the point in confessing and telling you how much you meant to me when it will never ever change? Why am I just making things harder for myself? I keep on telling myself to let go and just lead on with life but why do I keep on coming back? Hope? What is hope?

Despite the numerous attempt to fix what is there thats broken. There is no hope. And apparently, you will never know the real cold truth behind every single thing that has happened between us. Maybe it might be easy for you to say, I can be the crazy one in the position. But maybe you don’t know the things I’ve been through to get where I am today. Maybe you’re just telling yourself that it will get by, and he’s the one for you. Maybe you can make the difference that I can’t give him. Maybe you could open up his heart and change him for the better. And maybe you’re the one for him.

Maybe you should know that after all this time it has always been him. I pray and pray constantly to get the guidance from Him but nothing gets him away from my mind. Maybe this is what I am supposed to do. Maybe I’m just left with nothing but just patience. We don’t know what is in store for us, maybe even all these ranting is pointless because maybe you think I got no power to do anything. I’m just childish, I’m just voicing things thats in my head. Maybe he really don’t want to be with me.

Now it has come to the point that all these maybe are just, maybe. And I do wish it changes for the better or for worst. If you ever read this and if you ever want to reach out to me, then MAYBE it will change.

I’m sorry if this is how I could let you know about my true feelings for him. It is for the better of our baby and if its what he wants, I have always given it up for him. The crutches he once hold for you, well he was like the pieces of bones that held up inside of me. He is always there when no one was and he will always be reminded to this baby that no matter what happens, if its not for myself, it is not for anyone else. I am doing this not because of him. But it was because of him I get to get going with this baby.

I am forced to accept the cold hard action I was proposed with just so that he could lead a normal life. While me and my baby can’t have that, I just hope you know that even 10 years down the road, I will be here waiting for him. It has come to a point that I became so fixated in fixing these between us but I know that there are better things I should look out for now. While I’m in pain bearing this baby, I hope you still know that the thought of him is the only reason why I’m stronger everyday.

And I hope you could protect him from all the pain I’ve given him all these while. All the happiness I couldn’t give him at all. He could be there for you, for all I care. But he was the only one who bother to look out for me when I’m out thinking about what to do in the future.

Now to you again, if you ever read this. Please reach out to me whenever you want. But I am not going to reach out to you to let go of my feelings for him. Because truly everything I do was because I love him. And if he’s the one, I hope it changes, my pain, my sufferings.

I am sorry. But I can’t stop loving the only person who ease my heart.